Clinton A. Love

Writer, Musician, Mortician

Clint's Author Blog

Damsel of Distress and the World's Unluckiest Man

Posted on April 24, 2015 at 6:40 PM Comments comments (0)

April 24, 2015 at 5:41pm

I know what you're thinking.

 

"Hey Clint. It's supposed to be 'Damsel IN Distress' not 'OF Distress!"

 

Well then you must not have met the girl I'm talking about.

 

In Dungeons and Dragons, the table-top Role Playing Game that every geek has played at some point, it is important for your character to be able to carry large amounts of loot without becoming encumbered and losing the ability to move effectively. This is where the "Bag of Holding" comes in. All players make sure and score one of these as quickly as possible. What it does is store all your stuff in hyperspace so you can carry ridiculous amounts of gear without it weighing you down.

 

If you've played more than a couple of campaigns, you or another character has probably encountered a "Bag of Losing". This works in a similar way, but anything you put in there gets lost and you don't get it back. It's a mean prank DMs like to play on some players who get too uppity.

 

The Damsel of Distress is a lot like the second one.

 

This chick is ALWAYS in distress of some type. She's always having a breakdown, being the victim of some kind of trauma, one day past her rent and someone stole her money(which she could have used to just pay it last Friday instead of waiting), psycho-stalker ex is following her again (never mind she texted him like 46 times the night before). It's always goddamn something. Guess who gets to "save" her every time. The lucky knight in shining armor boyfriend, that's who! If you are a codependent idiot male, this works out great! You get to save her over and over from all of her mostly self-inflicted problems and you get to finally have some self-esteem.

 

True, you're running in circles, wearing yourself down to a nub and accomplishing absolutely NOTHING productive, either in life, or the relationship, but it FEELS like you're doing something right? Of course you're doing something! Otherwise you wouldn't be broke or exhausted all the time.

 

Plus the sex is great. You are getting laid aren't you? Well, if she ever runs out of problems long enough to get down with you, it's going to be awesome. Trust me.

 

OK enough bullshit. Dude. She's manipulating you. Have you noticed that every time "something comes up" it requires a little more than you were really prepared to offer? I'm sure you noticed that she gets all crabby when you insinuate that she needs to take some responsibility for her actions? No? Of course! It's not her fault, is it? And have you noticed feeling a little resentment yourself, when after the 50th time you "rescued her" she just hopped along to the next thing without really appreciating what you did? Maybe you got in a fight over it? Again?

 

Yes sir! What you got yourself is a Damsel of Distress! She is a human Bag of Losing.

 

Before you ladies get your knickers in a knot and call me a sexist, let me assure you I'm not done. You see the Damsel of Distress has a male counterpart.

 

He is the World's Unluckiest Man. Normally you'd just call a guy like this a fuckin' bum, but that's not fair, because nothing that ever happens to him is his fault.

 

He lost his job. Again. Because he doesn't have a ride. This is because he crashed his car. Because he was drunk. Again. And it really doesn't matter anyway, because his driver's license is suspended. What??!! Oh yeah, there was that DWI he got a few years ago and he never bothered to pay his fines. Wait. It wasn't that he never bothered. He just didn't have any money. Why? He lost his job. Again.

 

So you take him in. You're gonna "fix" him, right? Because you're Super Girlfriend! Not like his other 27 exes who all threw him out before he could get things together and just abandoned him, broke and owing back Child Support on 3 kids...

 

WAIT. WHAT??!!

 

Oh yeah, he had 2 kids with ex number 3 and 1 with ex number 15. But they were terrible people. So he had to keep changing jobs so the Attorney General wouldn't catch up with him and send him to jail.

 

Uh-Oh. He just called you from jail. He got caught driving with a suspended license, after crashing YOUR car and then the Attorney General stepped in and now he's facing charges if he doesn't pay $10,000 in back Child Support.

 

But you have some money stashed away, right? For your kids' college? He'll pay you back, of course...Riiiight.

 

The sex was good, though, right?

 

Human. Bag. of. Losing.

 

Anything you invest in these two people is lost. FOREVER.

 

So how do you avoid these people??

 

First you should talk to a psychologist about your own codependency issues.

 

Normal healthy people don't waste time with these assholes. They give them one chance, two tops. If they get fucked once, they don't let it happen a second time and the don't extend themselves to the point that they will get caught up in this kind of mess. They don't allow those people to impose upon them like that. They say things like "Sorry, dealing with this shit is outside my ability to help". and "No. You can't move in with me. I really don't know you that well." and "No. I don't date bloodsucking leaches."

 

To sum it up, they have boundaries. Healthy boundaries. Boundaries that prevent people from screwing with their emotions.

 

If this kind of talk is alien to you, or sounds really insensitive, because you HAVE to help people, or you JUST KNOW you can fix them this time, you are a walking target for these people. They are emotional vampires and you are a walking sack of O Negative.

 

If you want to know where to start. Start with this one word: NO. (It starts to feel good when you learn to say it to people).