|Posted on May 12, 2019 at 11:00 AM||comments ()|
“Heads up!” Olivia raised her chin toward an approaching group of people. Several longhaired men in Gothic attire flanked two women, both wearing short skirts, dyed hair, and fishnet stockings. They watched the Hunters with interest. One of the men looked at the others and laughed, showing elongated canine teeth.
“Alright fuckers,” Leonard growled. He lunged forward, his blue eyes blazing with electricity, his jaws opening wide, dagger-like demon teeth showing. One hand opened with 6-inch claws and the other held one of the drumstick stakes. “WE FUCKING WARNED YOU!” he bellowed, and then let out a roar like a pissed off grizzly bear that echoed through the park. He readied a death charge!
One of the vampire girls shrieked a terrified, high-pitched scream. The other fainted and fell face first on the grass. One of the longhaired men screamed like a girl and sprinted away like Usain Bolt. The other two dropped into frightened defensive crouches.
“Oh God!” one cried, his voice cracking. “Don’t hurt us, man, please!”
The other male vampire held the girl, who acted as if she was going to claw her way through him to escape. “Nononono! We don’t want any trouble, OK? We will just leave!”
Leonard tilted his head, breathing heavily, foam dripping from the corner of his mouth.
“Dude,” Olivia tugged on his duster. He looked down at her. She pointed at the frightened teenagers. “Dude!” she repeated.
Leonard pulled himself back together so that he looked like a big, scary human instead of a big, scary demon person. “Shit,” he said sheepishly. “Sorry, We thought you were someone else. Uh, carry on.”
“It’s OK,” Olivia stepped forward, her hands up. The teens flinched. Both girls and one of the boys were crying. The one who ran was nowhere around.
Qarinah was sitting on the ground, her breath in gasps and her face flushed. She was laughing so hard, it did not even sound like a laugh anymore. It sounded like she was choking.
“Mom?” Leonard looked at her.
“I...” she gasped. “I...can’t...” Qarinah was in tears.
The vampire kids stumbled away into the night.
“My hero,” Olivia smacked Leonard in the chest.
“Sorry,” Leonard was laughing now. “I saw fangs...”
“You saw fangs and went into turbo murder mode,” Olivia cackled.
|Posted on March 19, 2019 at 8:15 PM||comments ()|
“What the Hell just happened?” Leonard looked up from the stone floor. He sat in the middle of a large copper circle. About the circle burned white candles. He noticed blood on the copper.
“We have been summoned,” sighed Qarinah. She, too, sat in a circle like Leonard’s, marked with similar candles.
“Silence, Demon!” A tall young man stepped forward. He wore greasy black-dyed hair and a leather jacket. “We have summoned you to do our bidding!”
Several other people in their late teens to early twenties appeared out of the darkness of the basement. There was another boy, taller and skinnier, with glasses, and two girls. One of the girls, a blonde with pigtails, and a black spider web dress slinked up to the one who spoke, and snaked her arm around him. She had a lollipop in her mouth. The other, an overweight brunette in a black trench coat stood alone.
“Where are we,” asked Leonard. “Your mom’s basement?” He stepped forward in defiance, but ran into something solid. “Ow!”
“I am Eric!” said the first boy in a commanding voice. You will be silent and do what I say!”
“Shh!” Qarinah cut him off. “They have summoned us,” she said in a soft voice. She looked around. “And it appears they have done a fairly good job. That is a very good summoning circle!”
Leonard cocked his head. Mom has a point, he thought, No way in hell these mall-Goths came up with this on their own. This whole thing stinks on ice.
“They got our sigils right,” Qarinah continued, “and look! Libations!”
Leonard looked down on the floor. There was a toy car and a pack of Prince Albert pipe tobacco. He picked up the toy car. It was a Mustang. Worst of all, it was red.
“D-minus on the libations, kiddo.” Leonard threw the toy car. It bounced off the force field of the summoning circle and clattered to the floor. “MOPAR or no car.”
Qarinah picked up a glass of amber liquid and smelled it. She made a sour face and dumped it on the floor. Leonard never saw his mom actually make a stank face before. He chuckled a little.
“Blended Scotch is for peasants,” said Qarinah flatly. “We aren’t helping you, Eric, if you are going to insult us.”
“Don’t put up with her shit!” the blonde with the pigtails hissed. Eric ignored her.
“What is it you desire, demon?” Eric asked.
“Call me Qarinah,” said the succubus with a smile. “We do have names, as you well know. This is Leonard.”
“Lord Leonard, Master of Nocturnal Orgies,” said Leonard. “That is my official title now, thanks to Olivia. Speaking of whom, when she finds us, and she will; she is going to hand you your asses.”
“Leonard, be nice,” said Qarinah. “They are just inexperienced.”
Leonard was about to ask his mother if she felt ill, because Qarinah was usually the last one to tell people to be nice. Then he realized what she was doing. He looked at her and nodded.
“I want that,” Qarinah pointed to the blonde girl.
“You want Stephanie?” Eric seemed perplexed.
“No,” said Qarinah. “The candy. It’s a Blow Pop, yes?”
Stephanie popped the lolly out of her mouth. It was indeed a red Blow Pop. “I’m not-”
Eric took it from her.
“Hey!” she glared angrily at Eric.
“It’s OK, Steph,” said Eric. “Think of what they can do for us. Don’t you want the infernal power?”
“True,” said the geek with glasses. “If all she wants is candy, why not?”
“That’s right,” said Qarinah, staring into Eric’s eyes. “Think of what I can teach you. All I want is something sweet in my mouth.” She licked her lips seductively.
Leonard sat Indian style on the floor and packed his pipe with the Prince Albert. He wished he had added popcorn to his list of libations. He saw the overweight girl look at him. She was actually quite pretty. Who says a chubby girl can’t rock the vampire look? He thought. He winked at her as he lit the pipe. She smiled at him.
Eric walked over to Qarinah, Blow Pop in hand.
“Wait!” the chubby girl stepped forward.
"What, Janice?” Eric growled.
“If you give her the Blow Pop, it will break the circle and she can attack you!”
Eric’s face became pensive. Qarinah shot an annoyed glance at Janice.
“I promise I won’t attack,” said Qarinah. “
“She’s lying!” shouted Stephanie.
“I do not lie!” Qarinah scowled at Stephanie.
“She’s right,” Leonard blew out a smoke ring. “If our kind makes a promise, we have to abide by it. Otherwise, bad stuff happens to us.”
“Yes,” said Glasses. “I read this in one of my occult books. “They have to honor all of their obligations. It’s like, a rule, or something.”
“OK then,” said Eric. “Promise me, Qarinah, that you won’t attack and you won’t escape from the circle!”
“Of course,” Qarinah smiled, batting her long eyelashes at Eric. “I promise I will not attack you, nor will I try to leave when you open the circle to give me the candy.”
Eric looked at his friends. Janice and Glasses nodded. Stephanie scowled. Leonard puffed his pipe and tried not to smile too much. He focused on Janice and blew her a kiss. She bit her lip and blushed.Eric carefully approached Qarinah. He used an Athame to draw a doorway in the force field surrounding the succubus, and offered the Blow Pop, extending his arm. Qarinah took it gently and extended her long tongue. She gave the lollipop a long lick and sealed her full, pretty lips around it.
“Thank you, Eric,” she crooned, staring into his eyes. His eyes went glassy. Qarinah ran her fingernails down his chest. “You have done so well, my beautiful boy. Let me do something for you.” She opened his leather jacket, took him around the waist, and pulled him to her, inside the circle. She took the Blow Pop out of her mouth with a popping sound and placed it between his lips. “I want something else in my mouth,” she smiled. Her hand caressed his erection through his pants. He shivered and placed his hands on her soft shoulders. She slowly settled down to her knees. Qarinah looked around him at Stephanie. She licked her lips and winked, keeping eye contact with the blonde as she unzipped Eric’s pants.
Stephanie completely lost her shit. She charged the circle screaming and seized her boyfriend by the shoulders, yanking him backward. Qarinah hung on and as Eric fell back, he dragged her out of the circle. Eric fell to the floor, flat on his back. The only thing standing was his hard dick protruding from his open zipper. Stephanie ran at Qarinah, who immediately brought herself to her full 6 foot height. Stephanie leveled several punches but Qarinah avoided them all, twisting her body in a graceful dance. Qarinah slapped Stephanie with a backhand and sent the blonde sprawling.
“YOU LIED!” screamed Stephanie.
“No,” said Qarinah. “I kept my promise; I said I would not attack Eric. I did not. Quite the opposite. I said I would not try to leave. I did not. It was you who dragged me from the circle, child.”
“Mom,” Leonard looked at Qarinah.
“Oh yes,” Qarinah walked over to the circle, which held Leonard. She kicked over the candles and kicked dirt over the blood. The force field dissipated and Leonard stepped out, pipe clenched in his teeth. He looked, and all of the young ones crouched and pinned themselves to the walls.
“Alright, kids,” said Leonard, a serious look on his tattooed face. “What did we learn today?”
No one spoke.
“I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION!” Leonard bellowed, drawing Spike in a flourish of bone and steel. He pointed the massive revolver at Eric.
Janice raised her hand, as if in class.
“Yes, darlin’,” Leonard grinned, his teeth looked like 16 penny nails.
“Never summon demons?”
“A-plus!” said Leonard. “You get to live. Next question. Who taught you to do this and had you summon us? Not a damn one of you even knows who the Sisters of Mercy are, much less how to summon a demon. Who told you Hot Topic shopping motherfuckers to do this?”
“Other demons,” said Glasses, “twins.”
“Cloaks, armor, ugly?” asked Leonard, “They carry hammers with them?”
They all nodded.
“Shit,” said Leonard. “I knew it. Now listen, kids. Those assholes killed my best friend and got another one of our friends all shot up. Now they are going after my fiancée. I do not think I need to explain how pissed off I am going to be if they hurt the love of my life! Now who has a Goddamn car?”
Eric held up a set of keys.
“Barn door’s open,” Leonard took the keys. Eric stuffed his limp dick back in his pants.
“How romantic,” Janice stared after Leonard with a dreamy expression.
Qarinah and Leonard walked out of the basement, said hi to Eric’s mom in the kitchen, and Leonard took a Hot Pocket from a baking sheet. They walked out of the house.
“You gotta be shittin’ me,” said Leonard.
They squeezed into the raggedy, blue and primer colored Volkswagen beetle and peeled out of the driveway. Leonard drove with one knee on the dash. Qarinah sat in the passenger seat with both knees touching the dashboard.
“This is the most uncomfortable car in which I have ever ridden,” said Qarinah.
“Not made for a couple of 6-footers,” said Leonard. “I can think of someone who would love it though.”
|Posted on July 8, 2017 at 10:10 PM||comments ()|
It may come as a surprise to you, but there are a lot of stories and ideas about James Bowie's famous knife that are complete nonsense, Texas tall tales, if you will.
One legend is that the Bowie knife was made from a meteor. There is no evidence anywhere to support that. Now it's not impossible as meteorite contains a lot of iron and nickel and they have been used to make tools and weapons, but if this were the case for Bowie's knife, no one ever mentioned it.
Like a lot of men, story tellers tended to exaggerate its size as well. I've read stories of the knife having a fourteen inch (ha. you wish) blade or having been similar in size to a short sword (that's what she said). In fact, the blade of the original Bowie was nine and one fourths inches. Hell, that's pretty substantial, but definitely not a sword.
Here's one you may not know about. It's probably the biggest fuck up of them all and damn near every knife maker who has made a "Bowie" is guilty of this inaccuracy.
Most people think a Bowie has a big guard and a clip point like this...
Well, most people are wrong as hell. It actually looked nothing like this. So what did it look like?
How 'bout this, Tex?
No I'm not kidding. Bowie's original knife was a hunting knife designed by his brother, Rezin Bowie, that resembled a large butcher knife with a straight, single edged blade, almost no guard and definitely no pronounced clip point. It was designed, according to Rezin Bowie, as a hunting knife and was used as such for quite some time before James Bowie took it to the infamous duel on the sandbar. It had no fancy silver bolsters or brass guard. It was just a basic big knife for butchering and skinning game. It wasn't until James Bowie butchered the fuck out of two guys on the sand bar that it began to change.
After that fight, Bowie and his big ass knife became famous and everyone wanted one.
And that's how things got all screwed up.
You see, every blacksmith and cutler on the planet was besieged by people wanting a "knife like Bowie's", and they would make you one...for a price. The problem is, almost none of them had actually seen Bowie's knife. All they had heard were peoples' bullshit stories about a seventeen inch super blade, made from meteors with a brass spine and huge guard to help parry attackers' blades and perfectly balanced so that you could throw it at a buffalo and kill it. No shit. People actually thought that.
So a bunch of enterprising blacksmiths and cutlers made a bunch of ridiculous nonsense and called them "Bowies" and a bunch of suckers paid for them.
OK so now you are getting all red-faced and angry cause granpappy bought his *cough* Bowie off'n Jim Bowie himself who certified it is real and now he has passed it down to you. "An granpappy ain't no liar!"
Well granpappy may not be a liar, but he is a sucker.
The good news is, there are actual real Bowie knives out there, that were commissioned by the brothers Bowie and given as gifts to different people. They retained the basic butcher knife design, but added some silver hardware, ebony handles and fancier sheaths. You will probably never stumble upon an antique outside a museum, but you could have a historically accurate Bowie made for yourself that in terms of steel and construction, could be better than the original.
This is the Shively Bowie. One of the earliest existing commissions by Rezin Bowie.
The Searles-Fowler Bowie was another Rezin Bowie design that looked pretty cool. There are a few modern companies out there today that make reproductions of this one.
There was also the Stafford-Searles Bowie, which looked a lot like the one above.
There are other pieces claimed to be "original Bowie knives" or "Bowie's Alamo knife" but for those I will leave you with this quote by Rezin Bowie himself.
"The improvements in its fabrication and state of perfection it has acquired from experienced cutlers, was not brought about through my agency."-Rezin P. Bowie
|Posted on October 20, 2014 at 7:25 PM||comments ()|
October 20, 2014 at 7:47am
Here is how I explain the "Gateway Drug" issue with Cannabis legalization opponents.
Is it a Gateway Drug? In the U.S. it is, but not in places where it's legal. Why?
When I was in my early teens I lived in Germany. Like most kids, I played video games. In the U.S. video games were a kid's thing. We had huge arcades, Showbiz Pizza (later Chuck E Cheez), roller rinks and a host of other fun safe places to play. Not so in Germany.
In Germany in the early 1980s the only places you found video games (aside from American military posts) were bars, whore houses, peep shows and the like. They had no arcades or Showbiz Pizza.
So guess where I was hanging out on the weekends? Not at the library, I can tell you that. Liking video games put me in the Red Light District on a regular basis and this put me into contact with pimps, hookers, junkies, gangs and houses of ill repute. My favorite game was now a video version of Strip Poker and I used to see if I could get the girl naked before the owners of the place figured out I wasn't 18 and threw me out. I got pretty good at it!
Had there been arcades and whatnot, I never would have seen the inside of those places.
This is Marijuana in the U.S. In places where it's legal, you can go to a cafe' or a store and go somewhere safe to indulge in a drug that is itself far less lethal than alcohol. Where it is not, you get to hang around the guys who are selling crack, meth and heroin.
So is it a gateway drug? No. We have a "Gateway System".
|Posted on May 5, 2014 at 9:40 PM||comments ()|
May 5, 2014 at 8:37pm
Originally titled, "That's Not a Machine Gun, Dumbass" In this note I explain some basic stuff about different types of firearms so you can discuss them and not sound like an idiot (like Piers Morgan and 99% of the talking heads on the news).
Since I'm running into more and more people lately who know less than dick about firearms yet somehow think they are qualified to tell me what is wrong with mine, I decided to clear up a few misconceptions about firearms that I frequently encounter. If you read this and understand it you will already be 100x more informed than your average media drone. Gun guys will accuse me of oversimplification here, but in light of recent conversations I've seen, I'm doing well not to resort to crayons and a puppet show.
I'll start with the basics.
Bullet- Originally just a round lead ball, the bullet is the actual projectile that goes flying down-range when a weapon is fired.
Cartridge- This is the entire unit of the bullet, the gunpowder and the cartridge case (the brass thingy that holds the bullet), along with a primer that is used to ignite the powder when the weapon is fired. Sometimes cartridges are referred to as "rounds". After the round is discharged, the leftover spent cartridge case is not dangerous and is not a weapon. You'd be amazed at how many people are freaked out by an empty cartridge case.
Calibre- In firearns, calibre refers either to the Internal Diameter of the weapon's barrel or to the approximate external diameter of a bullet in inches. A .22 calibre bullet has an external diameter of .223 inches. Notice the decimal. A .45 caliber bullet is a much fatter bullet. The relationship of calibre to the amount of pressure generated by the gunpowder in a cartridge help determine the round's capabilities in terms of muzzle velocity and transfer of energy.
Stopping Power- If you want to watch a bunch of gun guys get in a tizzy, start a stopping power discussion. It's a bit of an erroneous term and it refers to the ability of a particular type of round to incapacitate (stop) a particular living target.
Muzzle Velocity- Essentially how fast the bullet can fly. Rifle bullets are typically much faster than pistol bullets.
Clip- a metal strip with cartridges attached, designed to assist in loading them into a Magazine. A clip is not a magazine and the terms are not interchangable. If you call a detachable magazine a "clip" you are wrong.
Magazine- The weapon's magazine is the place inside the weapon where rounds are stored in preparation for firing. A magazine can be attached, as is in the case with many rifles or detachable, in the case of semi-auto pistols and carbine type rifles. Detachable magazines do not make a weapon more dangerous. It is just easier to drop an empty magazine and insert a full one than to have to load each individual round one at a time into the weapon.
Gun- A large piece of artillery, such as a cannon or the main guns on a battleship. It is improper to refer to small arms, such as pistols and rifles as a gun. In the military, calling your rifle a "gun" can get you in trouble and hilarity often ensues.
Rifle-A rifle is a firearm designed to be fired from the shoulder, with a barrel that has a helical groove or pattern of grooves ("rifling") cut into the barrel walls. Also called "long guns", a rifle fires a single bullet over a longer distance with accuracy than a pistol. Rifles can be semiautomatic, automatic or manually cocked using a lever or bolt action.
Shotgun- A shotgun (also known as a scattergun and peppergun, or historically as a fowling piece) is a firearm that is usually designed to be fired from the shoulder, which uses the energy of a fixed shell to fire a number of small spherical pellets called shot, or a solid projectile called a slug. It is generally, used for high power and wide coverage at short range, such as hunting for birds, where the scattering of the shot gives the shooter a better chance at hitting a small, flying bird. Shotguns are also popular for home defense because a short-barreled shotgun can be quickly pointed at an intruder, rather than aimed like a rifle(which takes time) and the shot will cover a greater area (such as a hall or doorway). They are also preferred because smaller shot will be less likely to penetrate a wall than a bullet, thereby reducing the risk of harming an innocent person in an adjacent room or building.
Pistol- A handgun. Usually this is a short firearm that is designed to be fired with one hand. Usually refers to semiautomatics, but can be used for revolvers, too.
Revolver- a repeating firearm that has a cylinder containing multiple chambers and at least one barrel for firing. Sometimes called a "wheel gun" or "six shooter". In modern revolvers, the rotating cylinder that holds the cartridges is hinged to the frame and can be manipulated to extract spent cases and reload with new cartridges after they have all been expended. Typically, the two types are Single Action, which require the shooter to pull the hammer back into a locked position (cocked), and rotating the cylinder before the trigger can be pulled, expending ONE round. This must be repeated each time the shooter wants to fire. Think Clint Eastwood's revolver in the Spaghetti westerns. There are also double actionrevolvers in which pulling the trigger also draws the hammer and simultaneously cycles the cylinder, placing a new round into firinf position. Think dirty Harry for this one. Most Double Action revolvers can be fired in single action mode, though, if desired.
Semi-Automatic- This is where people get all fucked up. A semi-automatic, or self-loading (autoloader), firearm is a weapon that performs all steps necessary to prepare the weapon to fire again after firing—assuming cartridges remain in the weapon's feed device or magazine. Typically, this includes extracting and ejecting the spent cartridge case from the weapon's firing chamber, re-cocking the firing mechanism, and loading a new cartridge into the firing chamber. Although automatic weapons and selective fire firearms do the same tasks, semi-automatic firearms do not automatically fire an additional round until the trigger is released and re-pressed by the person firing the weapon. This is true in terms of both pistols and rifles.
A fully automatic firearm is a firearm that will continue to fire so long as the trigger is pressed and there is ammunition in the magazine. Both "semi automatic" and "fully automatic" weapons are "automatic" in that the firearm automatically cycles between rounds with each trigger pull. the difference there is with a true automatic, rounds continue to fire at a rapid rate until either the trigger is released or the weapon's ammunition supply is exhausted. NOTE: iT IS ALREADY ILLEGAL TO PURCHASE OR OWN A FULLY AUTOMATIC FIREARM IN THE UNITED STATES. tHE ONLY EXCEPTIONS ARE PERSONS WITH A FEDERAL FIREARMS LICENSE AND THE PROCESS IS EXPENSIVE AND RIDDLED WITH RED TAPE.
Automatic Pistol- When a shooter refers to his pistol as an "auto" or "automatic", it typically is a Semi-Automatic, not full auto. Confused yet? The media are because they fuck this up constantly. The Colt 1911 and Glock handguns are popular semiautomatic pistols. Not to be confused with a machinepistol or sub-machinegun which is a short carbine-type rifle or pistol designed to fire in fully automatic mode.
Assault Rifle- An assault rifle is a select-fire (either fully automatic or burst capable) rifle that uses an intermediate cartridge and a detachable magazine. Assault rifles are the standard service rifles in most modern armies. Assault rifles are categorized in between light machine guns, which are intended more for sustained automatic fire in a light support role, and submachine guns, which fire a pistol cartridge rather than a rifle cartridge. THESE CAN NOT BE PURCHASED BY CIVILIANS IN GUN STORES! IT IS AND HAS BEEN ILLEGAL FOR A LONG LONG TIME! The AK-47 and American M-4 are Assault Rifles. Although you can buy and AR-15 or an AK-47 in a gun store, they are civilian models that are only capable of semiautomatic fire. Those weapons are not assault rifles, because they are not capable of automatic or burst firing.
Assault Weapon- There is no such animal as an assault weapon. This is a term dreamed up by the media to describe ordinary civilian firearms that are cosmetically similar to actual assault rifles. Other than looks, the two have nothing in common.
Machinegun- A machine gun is a fully automatic mounted or portable firearm, usually designed to fire bullets in quick succession from an ammunition belt or magazine, typically at a rate of several hundred rounds per minute. Machine guns are generally categorized as submachine guns, machine guns, or autocannons. Submachine guns are hand-held small portable automatic weapons for personal defense or short-range combat firing pistol-caliber rounds. A machine gun is often portable to a certain degree, but is generally used when attached to a mount or fired from the ground on a bipod, and generally fires a rifle cartridge. Light machine guns are small enough to be fired and are hand-held like a rifle, but are more effective when fired from a prone position. The difference between machine guns and autocannons is based on caliber, with autocannons using calibers larger than 16 mm. The Browning M-2 and the M-60 Light Machinegun (think Rambo) are examples of machineguns.
|Posted on||comments ()|
Stuff You Will Need:
1-1/2 Cups of Long-Grain White Rice
3 Cups Water
1/2 tsp Sea Salt
1 tsp Cumin
1 tsp Cayenne Pepper Powder
1 Tbsp Paprika
1 tsp Black Pepper
1 Tbsp Sea Salt
Vegetables and Stuff
3-4 Hatch Chili Peppers (Other large chilis may be substituted, but Hatch is the best)
2 large red tomatoes
1 small onion (Vidalia is the best)
1 bunch of Cilantro
1/4 Cup Lime Juice
1/2 Cup Olive Oil
1 Tbsp (heaping) minced garlic
Roast and peel the Hatch Chilis and tomatillos. I usually do this on the grill and roast the onion, too, but it's not required.
Sear and de-skin the tomatoes
Chop the roasted chilis, roasted tomatillos, tomatoes, cilantro and onion.
Put the pieces in a bowl and cover it with the lime juice.
Boil Water, add 1/2 tsp Sea Salt in a pot and stir in the rice. Cook it until rice is fluffy and tender but not soggy. this will take 12 to 15 minutes.
While the rice cooks, put the olive oil in a large pan. Saute' the garlic a little then add the peppers and other stuff you put in the bowl. Cook them on high for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently.
When the rice is ready and has absorbed the water, add the peppers and stuff from the pan and stir it in together.
Add the Spices and stir them in too. You can add more salt or other spices to fit your taste.
Simmer it on low until the rice has absorbed all the excess water and juice from the vegetables and tomatoes.
That's pretty much it.